Loneliness has never been a more important topic. With the coronavirus pandemic continuing to rage, people are distancing themselves from one another in an attempt to protect themselves and their loved ones. As a highly vulnerable group, seniors are being isolated more than most, so comments like my mom is lonely and my dad is lonely are becoming even more common.
Right now, our aging parents are being isolated for the best possible reasons. We’re trying to keep them safe from a virus that is killing many people.
The trick is to find ways to do so without compromising health in other ways, which is why this post focuses on loneliness. In it, we’re looking at what is currently known about loneliness, approaches that can decrease loneliness, and how you can help your mom or dad in this current crisis.
Loneliness Is Important
Let’s begin with a crucial point – loneliness isn’t a little thing.
Instead, loneliness can have many negative impacts on physical and mental health. Being lonely can increase the risk of many health problems and even the risk of death, especially in seniors.
With all that’s going on, it’s easy to think that we should all deal withloneliness in the short-term. That we should focus on keeping people safe from the virus because social connections can always be rebuilt later.
That approach has some serious limitations.
It ignores all the physical and emotional impacts of loneliness – and it assumes that loneliness can be easily reversed. But, as some authors point out, loneliness and isolation can cause notable changes to our brains. Some of these changes may make it more difficult to rebuild connections in the future.
And, even more relevantly – loneliness is literally killing seniors – more now than ever before. Just look at these article titles:
- Dying of Loneliness: How COVID-19 is Killing Dementia Patients
- Death by COVID Isolation
- Isolation Kills, Especially Seniors. Community Spaces Can Be A Vaccine for COVID Loneliness
Now, we’re not saying that people should ignore the coronavirus and act like they did before. Not at all. But, ignoring the impacts of loneliness is just as damaging.
We need to find ways to maintain connections for ourselves and our family members. That way few of us will be saying my mom is lonely. Instead, we might be talking about unexpected ways that we’re all connecting.
Loneliness Isn’t Just Social Isolation
To begin with, let’s talk about loneliness itself. After all, we can only solve the problem if we understand it.
It’s easy to imagine that lonely people are isolated and have few social connections. That association implies an easy solution – help your parents to find more social connections. Before the coronavirus, such connections might have been in-person. Right now, they might be through apps and online instead..
There’s a problem though.
Loneliness and social isolation aren’t strongly linked.
Many lonely people are socially isolated, true, and isolated people are often lonely. But, loneliness is more subjective than that. You could see it as the difference between the connections that a person wants and the ones that they have.
This is why some people are completely happy on their own and don’t feel lonely at all, while others crave social contact.
Instead, loneliness seems to be linked to two key things:
- The difference between the connections that a person wants and the ones that they have
- The type of connections that are present
Both of these make sense and are particularly significant right now, as many people have experienced a sudden decrease in their social interactions and the interactions that they do get are often via technology, distanced, or with masks.
Is it so surprising that people are feeling lonely?
The Type of Connection Matters
So, let’s talk about the type of social connection.
Johann Hari talks about this area in his book Lost Connections. He mentions the importance of sharing something meaningful with other people. Of being invested in one another.
This type of connection seems to be decreasing rapidly too. Perhaps because we keep telling ourselves that we’re meant to be self-sufficient.
Participation in cooperative groups is a good illustration of this pattern.
These groups have been decreasing dramatically. Take bowling leagues as an example. These were incredibly popular at one point. Nowadays, people tend to bowl on their own or in family groups, and even then interest in bowling is decreasing. There isn’t the same type of ongoing group-based connection.
The activities that we choose instead are often online or the amount of connection is much lower. For example, we spend time around other people during an exercise class, but there isn’t that much interaction and certainly no time to develop close bonds and friendships.
It’s like we’re avoiding being invested in anything.
Because so many people are doing this, we often end up with superficial friendships.
In fact, many Americans no longer even have a single friend that they would consider a confidant. So, if something bad happened in their life or their marriage, they would have no one who they could simply talk and be honest with. How horrible is that? Is it surprising then that many people feel alone, even when they have friends?
Solutions for Lonely Parents
The author Johann Hari has this to say:
To end loneliness, you need other people—plus something else. You also need, he explained to me, to feel you are sharing something with the other person, or the group, that is meaningful to both of you. You have to be in it together—and “it” can be anything that you both think has meaning and value.
Hari, Johann. Lost Connections (pp. 100-101). Bloomsbury Publishing. Kindle Edition.
This is a critical idea.
It means that the goal isn’t just to find more connections, but to find ones that have depth. We’re going to keep that in mind as we talk about solutions for mom and dad being lonely.
Turn to Technology
Technology is the most obvious way to connect these days. Many different apps make this process easier.
Zoom, for example, makes multi-way video conferences easy, allowing families to talk to one another and be engaged. This can be an amazing way of connection, especially if you can loop in children or grandchildren who are overseas.
Seniors can also use laptops, smartphones and tablets to engage with other people. Such devices have other advantages too, as seniors might turn to them to play games, to read, to do puzzles, or even to make money.
We have a detailed post on how technology can help with isolation, so you can check that out for more ideas.
Look for Online Groups
Forums, Facebook Groups, and the like are often overlooked for connection, as chat apps and simply trawling Facebook seem more obvious approaches.
But, online groups have one key advantage – shared interest.
Most groups are developed around a specific theme. That theme might be related to age, location, being single, being a widow/widower, a particular interest, faith, or something else entirely.
This aspect alone can make members feel more connected.
For example, I’ve recently become involved in Aphantasia groups on Facebook, which are designed for people who, like myself, have no ability to visualize. While I have many social connections in the ‘real world’, the conversations in this group touch me on a different level because of the amount that I have in common with other members.
Finding good online groups takes time, but there is no shortage of options to choose from. Some groups may even spill over into local connections and to unexpected friendships.
Look at Pen Pal Programs
Technology has its place, but online conversations can often be frustrating, even when the technology behaves itself.
Finding a pen pal or two can be a useful alternative. There is something wonderful about sending and receiving letters, especially because of the thought that goes into each one. Pen pals can get invested in each other’s lives too, which is perfect for creating a sense of connection.
The approach also helps because it gets people thinking beyond themselves. Being engaged with someone else’s experiences is a powerful way to help people to be less stressed about their own lives.
Various programs have been set up between schools and senior centers, as schools are looking for more things for kids to do, while seniors need social connection.
These aren’t the only option either. Seniors can be pen pals with one another or look for other types of pen pal programs. Some programs look for pen pals of any age.
Get the Kids Involved
Many families respond to this crisis by keeping children away from their grandparents – especially if the kids are going to school or have regular connections outside the home. Imagine how this feels for seniors. It could be even worse for those who have lost most other social options at the same time.
It’s important to find ways to maintain the connection between kids and their grandparents.
In-person visits are the most powerful way to do this, if you can manage it safely.
There are other options too. Why not take the penpal route and get the kids writing to their grandparents? This idea can be fun for everyone involved, especially if the grandparent writes back.
Technology is an option too.
How about getting the kids to make something for their grandparents? This can be powerful, as a gift is a reminder to the senior that their family cares about them. After all, making a gift takes time, energy, and thought. It’s a good way to keep the kids busy too.
Don’t Forget In-Person Connections
No matter how cautious you are, in-person connections do put your family member at risk. There’s a chance that they’ll end up with the coronavirus and the virus could make them sick or kill them.
But, so too could loneliness.
The truth is simple. Remote connections don’t replace the joy of interacting with people face-to-face. We all know this. Even young adults, with all their technology skills, need in-person connections.
The trick, then, isn’t to ignore in-person connections. Instead, family members and caregivers need to work to make these happen as safely as possible.
There are many ways to do so.
For example, some neighborhoods have had block parties, where people are standing at the ends of their driveways laughing, drinking, talking, and engaging. People living in apartments have done something similar by hanging out on their balconies.
In other cases, families are choosing to still spend time with their older relatives. This might include bringing the kids over for Thanksgiving or a birthday celebration. Such approaches might seem dangerous, but risks can be minimized by keeping the occasion to family only and ensuring that no one has concerning symptoms.
Depending on where you live and current restrictions, it may even be possible to go to a café or to interact with people in a park – even if you have to do so at a distance or through a mask.
All of these options carry some degree of risk, but the benefits make them worth seriously considering.
Find Other Things to Do
Loneliness is one of those things that feels worse the more that you think about it. So, it’s important to help seniors remain engaged and enjoying their own company.
While you can’t force anyone to enjoy themselves, there are many good indoor activities for seniors, including games and music. Some seniors even turn to hobbies that can make them money, as this type of hobby can offer a sense of purpose and direction.
Respect Their Autonomy
Many adult children are struggling to get their aging parents to understand the current crisis and take it seriously. Some seniors are continuing to socialize as they were before, sometimes even sneaking away from family members to do so. Others may be taking precautions but still refusing to isolate themselves.
If you’re struggling in this area, you can look for advice about what to do and how to convince them. This article from CNBC is a good place to begin.
It’s also important to respect your family member. Try to see things from their point of view – and think about whether they’re being realistic or not.
After all, your parents probably have different priorities than you do.
For one thing, seniors are often more philosophical about dying. They’ve had time to think about the topic, after all. Many are quite willing to risk their health rather than being disconnected from their family and friends.
It’s easy to see why some people might make this choice, especially as we have no idea how long this crisis will last. Seniors nearing the end of their life anyway may have little interest in staying isolated from friends, family, and grandchildren.
The New York Times offers a good article on the topic too. It talks about different ways of approaching the topic that may work, along with the idea of radical acceptance.
In this context, radical acceptance refers to being aware that you cannot control your family members. In the end, your parent is responsible for what they do and do not do.
And finally, as we mentioned earlier, loneliness can literally kill people – especially seniors. Pressuring your mom or dad into staying at home on their own might end up doing more harm than good.
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